


Almond

by angry_android



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Coffeeshop AU, M/M, Masturbation, Rey is here too as Kylo's cousin, Trans Kylo, background Trans Luke, background organa-solo family troubles, basement hand-touching, drunk driving in chapter 5, genital dysphoria in ch4, menstruation mentions in ch3, unintentional misgendering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8183213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angry_android/pseuds/angry_android
Summary: Kylo likes to hang out at his local Starbucks and brood. Hux works there part-time while going to community college. Because of someone else's sloppy handwriting, Hux accidentally calls out Kylo's name as "Kylie," and there is fallout. The fallout might include dating.





	1. pumpkin spice

**Author's Note:**

> based on my feelings of happiness at being called the right name at starbucks, and also my efforts at my own job to write people's names correctly because it matters, it matters a lot
> 
> i think i want to expand upon this with some more chapters, using other huxloween prompts. im not sure how long it's going to get. im putting this and all the other huxloween/(k)inktober stuff i write together in a collection.
> 
> one-time spellings of Rey as "Ray" and Hux as "Hucks" are intentional, because of the whole hearing vs. writing names thing im looking at in this story

Hux sighed as he came back on from his break. He was trying to get through a book of poetry, but the break room wasn't exactly conducive to studied thought. He wrapped his apron strings around himself, surveying the line of customers still waiting to be served. He didn't really understand the pumpkin spice thing himself. The taste wasn't bad, but the boundless enthusiasm of the public had begun to grate on his nerves.

The counter needed wiping badly, and there were a couple drinks still waiting to be claimed. It was busy, and the new kid making drinks had just been setting them down on the counter instead of calling them out. An elderly couple and a few kids in long, plaid school uniform skirts stood against the wall waiting. One of the store's regulars was there too, a tall kid in a baggy black sweatshirt with a notebook under their arm and a scowl on their face. Hux couldn't remember their name, but he remembered their face. A girl with a sharp, pretty face and her hair done up in little buns was leaning against them, trying to get them to talk. 

Hux started picking up cups and calling out names.

"Hot chocolates for Isabelle, Amanda-"

Some of the kids in uniform looked up from their phones and came up to grab their cocoa.

"Iced green tea, Ray?" The girl in the little buns took the cup from him and said "cheers." 

"Pumpkin spice latte with almond milk, Kylie?"

Hux glanced up to see a look of molten anger from the regular in the black sweatshirt.

"That's not funny," they growled.

"I'm sorry?" said Hux.

"That's not my fucking name."

"Oh, I apologize. The writing on the cup is a little hard to read." He turned the cup to show them the scribbled name.

"Whatever," they muttered, before turning and shoving through the door without even taking their latte.

"I can take that," said the girl with the buns. "I know him." She had an English accent.

Hux nodded, and she picked up the cup and made to leave.

"Actually, wait-"

He grabbed a new cup and a permanent marker.

"How do you spell his name?"

"K, Y, L, O."

Hux wrote the name on the cup in immaculate block letters, and underneath, "my sincere apologies."

"Give him this for me, ok?"

"Sure," said the girl, and raised the empty cup to him, smiling as she left.

*   *   *

Kylo had already walked across the parking lot, and he was sitting on the ground underneath a tree. The sky was overcast, and Rey found it comforting. She took the top off Kylo's latte and poured it into the new cup, chucking the old one in a trash can before walking over to her cousin. 

"Hey," said Rey.

Kylo kept on watching the cars go by.

"That guy gave me a new cup." She held it out for him to see. Kylo made a noncommittal noise and looked away.

"Kylo, this is my last day in the States until Christmas! Come on, we have things to do! Places to see!"

Kylo heaved a sigh and took the cup from her. "Yeah, can we go back to the mall? I don't want to go home."

"But your mum made mulled cider."

"Yeah..."

Things that seemed like minor problems tended to throw Kylo for a loop, and Rey had a feeling he wouldn't get over this until he was good and ready to do so. When Rey was around she tried to look out for him, even though he was older. It always felt kind of weird when Leia would thank her for being so good with him. That's what you're supposed to do for family, right? It made her feel sort of glad she lived across the ocean. There was a discord she could sense in their home, and she didn't know if she was ready to really see all of it. 

"Alright, we can drive around some more, come on!" She stood up and started towards Han's old truck. Kylo followed her, finally taking a few sips of his pumpkin latte as they pulled out of the strip.

*   *   *

A week went by before Kylo wandered back into the Starbucks. It had gotten colder out, and Kylo was loving it. He was wearing a big black coat and big black scarf. He was going to curl up in a chair and write some stuff, doodle some stuff. Just stay here for a while. The guy with the red hair was taking orders tonight. Kylo kind of hoped the guy didn't remember him, but he also kind of wanted to be noticed. 

He was staring into the dessert case, daydreaming as always, when-

"Sir? I can help you over here if you're ready to order."

Kylo started and walked up to the register.

"Hi, can I get a grande white chocolate mocha with-"

"Almond milk?" asked the redhead, softly.

Kylo nodded. "Yeah. And my name is-"

"Kylo," the redhead said, low and sure. 

Kylo nodded again.

"I'm Hux."

Kylo handed Hux a bunch of crumpled dollar bills. He flattened them out and handed one back. 

"You gave me too much," he noted lightly. 

"Keep it," Kylo said, in a voice so soft it was accidentally a whisper. Hux was looking down, counting out Kylo's change and probably hadn't even heard him. Kylo shoved the dollar into the tip container anyway. 

The edge of Hux's hand was warm when he gave Kylo his change. He reminded Kylo where the napkins and straws were, although they were both aware Kylo knew exactly where to find them. Hux told him to have a good afternoon, in a tone that sounded like he actually meant it. Kylo could barely look at him, but he managed a "thanks." 

*   *   *

Hux grabbed a grande cup, wrote Kylo's name in perfect capital letters, and then wrote it again in the International Phonetic Alphabet.

"Almond," he said to the new kid in a stern undertone, even though it was marked on the cup. "And his name is Kylo."

Hux continued taking orders and making change, but he kept an ear out for Kylo's name being called. When he heard it, he turned and watched Kylo look at the cup. Kylo's eyes shifted over the IPA. He probably didn't know what it was, but Hux had felt like putting it on there anyway. Kylo's eyes flicked up to him, and he chanced a smile. A cute smile transformed Kylo's own long face. Hux watched as he continued smiling at the floor all the way over to an armchair in the corner. 

Kylo sat in that corner for a few hours, scribbling in his notebook and staring out the window. From time to time he caught Hux's eye and looked away quickly.

_Great, now I'm going to be extra nervous every time I go to the fucking Starbucks. What was his name? Hucks?_

He wondered if Hux liked him or if he was just being nice. 

Later on, he watched the long, thin lines of Hux's body as he cleaned the surfaces of the tables, bending elegantly over them and humming softly along with music someone was playing on their phone. Hux's face was young and unlined, but he had a sort of sideburn thing going on. Early twenties maybe. He wondered how old Hux thought he was. He was twenty, but he was lucky if he could pass for fifteen. He uncrossed his legs and balanced his torn-up sneakers on an empty chair. He was kind of sick of being in the coffee shop- the smells and the noises. He thought he might drive back home but not go inside, just sit out in the car until he got too cold.

It was only a matter of time until he was curled up tightly in bed, forehead and knees resting against the wall. He'd shove a bunch of pillows and blankets into a pile behind him and try to lean against them, but it wouldn't feel like a person. He would hold the side of his face in his own hand, and the warmth would make him feel better and worse at the same time. Maybe he'd stick his hand down his pants, if he could stop thinking so much for a goddamn second. 

Kylo stood up and gathered his stuff. He tossed his empty cup out, and when he pushed open the door, he heard Hux calling "Goodnight, Kylo." He smiled at the floor and mouthed "thanks," and walked out to his dad's old truck, jangling his keys in his pocket. Where were his bravado, his anger, when he needed them? One of these days, he was determined to look Hux in the eye and have a real conversation. 


	2. bonfire

"Black coffee please."

"Black today?" Hux asks. 

Kylo nods, squinting his eyes shut. "Crazy night." 

Pot, whiskey, torching marshmallows and old textbooks in a pit in someone's backyard. 

Hux checks the time- it's almost 2pm. 

"Would you like a cup of water?"

Kylo nods again. 

As he shifts around trying to find his wallet, Hux can smell it on him. Smoke. Not from cigarettes, but from piles of burning wood. 

"Bonfire?" he guesses. 

"Sorta. Just burning a bunch of stuff in the woods." 

Hux nodded like he knew how that was. 

"Nothing human, I hope." 

Kylo's expression lightens a bit. "In the fire? Or in the woods."

Hux is looking away, but he's smiling a little and he wipes the edge of Kylo's cup with his apron to make sure any spilled drops are gone. 

Kylo puts his headphones back on and clicks on a Hozier album. 

*   *   *

Kylo feels dangerous. He's charming, shy and angry and sweet, but there's a danger to him too that seems far away, like a forest fire on the news. Hux isn't _afraid_ of him, just wary. Uncharacteristically unsure of himself. He doesn't know how to start. Doesn't know if Kylo will crumble under his fingertips like ashes or flare up like dying embers in the wind. 

He's seen Kylo break things- tear apart paper coffee cups and cup jackets slowly, peeling them to bits. He rakes his hands through his hair, worries at the cuffs of his jacket, gradually pulls the soles of his shoes away from the uppers. He's seen Kylo slam his car door in the parking lot, and then punch the door a few times for good measure and slide down to sit on the pale, rough pavement. Sometimes his voice is hoarse, and Hux can't tell if it's from lack of use or screaming. (Maybe testosterone? He won't ask Kylo about that though. That would be very rude. He knows Kylo's name and his pronouns and that's all he needs to know.)

Kylo skulks in black like a spectre but the way he holds himself, the way he sits and moves, is graceful. He wears big sweatshirts and jackets and walks with his shoulders hunched inwards. Sometimes when he's feeling especially good or especially angry he walks with a swagger, with his shoulders pushed back and his head held high like he's keeping a crown on. 

Hux is sick of waiting for him to make a move.

He doesn't know if he'll be able to do it himself. 

But sometimes Kylo will sit at the counter now, rolling his eyes when a customer asks for something that makes no sense. He listens to Hux gently coax people through deciding what size drink and what kind of milk they want, and then occasionally make snippy comments to the espresso machine in an English-accented whisper. It's usually the first thing people comment on about Hux, followed by his bright red hair. Kylo still hasn't asked where he's from. 

Sometimes Kylo scribbles or doodles on napkins, and once or twice Hux has found them on the floor. The way Kylo's dark eyes follow him these days and the way he shows off for Kylo- he's wishing one of those scribbles will have a phone number on it. But no such luck. 

Hux watches him too, and whatever is between them kindles and sparks. 

The day Kylo walks in wearing a classic-looking leather jacket over his hoodie, Hux thinks something overly dramatic like "I can't go on like this" and- 

"Here is your white hot chocolate." 

_-beat-_

"And also I was wondering if you'd like to see a movie with me sometime?"

This is really unprofessional, he really shouldn't be doing this. But the rules can get fucked, and what "Supreme Overlord" (General Manager) Scott doesn't know won't hurt him. 

Kylo's in the middle of a sip, and his face goes blank for a second before glowing, suffused with hot, sweet white chocolate and surprise. 

"Really? I mean yeah, I mean, I was going to ask you but I didn't want to harass you at your work. Wait, are you asking me on a date or just-" 

"Yeah, yes. Yes. On a date."

Kylo's smile is so genuine Hux can't breathe. He also really has to get back to making other people's drinks. 

"Okay! Shit, I have to be somewhere, can I give you my phone number?"

Hux nods. Kylo tears a bit of paper from his sketchbook and hands Hux a series of numbers in a hand both sprawling and cramped. 

"I have to-"

"Yeah, me too. I'll see you?"

"Yeah." Hux smiles. "I'll text you."

Kylo's blushing, and the curve of his smile as he ducks out the door is cocky. He's handsome as shit. Hux has to turn back to the sensory wall of steamed milk and stressed out suburban people, but he's going to think about that smile all night, and then some. 

*   *   *

In the car, Kylo's grinning helplessly wide. He bashes his head gently against the steering wheel. He stomps his feet on the floor a couple times. One of these days he's going to shove an arm or a leg through some part of his dad's truck and there will be fallout. But not today. 

Today he's got a _boy._

 


	3. meta horror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know if im doing meta horror right but this is what i felt like writing. 
> 
> extra warning here for talk about menstruation. i wanted to write about how shitty things are in real life, so i did. specifically, mentions of kylo having his period and kylo being wet
> 
> also, when leia calls him "ky" that's a nickname for kylo, not a nickname for his birthname jsyk

They'd decided to watch a movie at Kylo's mother's house instead of the theatre. Kylo didn't feel well enough to go out, and he didn't want to cancel on hanging out with Hux for the first time. 

This morning he'd gotten his period, and he felt like absolute crap. He had cramps settling low in his belly, and he felt puffy and fragile and tired. All he wanted to do was curl up on the couch in his pajamas and drink hot cocoa. But he'd been happy and nervous over this for a couple days now, and he wasn't going to let it stop him. 

*   *   *

Kylo takes his dad's truck. He pulls on his boots and walks out the door without bothering to lace them. He locks the house door and then props the screen door open with a big empty flower urn. His father was supposed to take the screen door off for the winter, but that was never going to happen. Kylo supposed he could do it himself. That is also never going to happen. 

There's a real chill in the late-afternoon air, and Kylo is glad. He wants it to be cold and dark, especially for Halloween. His favorite time of year is early winter, and he feels hard on its heels. 

He pulls up in front of the address Hux had texted him- the house was pretty nice, nicer than Kylo's, and a lot bigger too. It's white- a boxy generic shape, with green shutters. Nicely trimmed bushes and little lantern-looking things framing the front doorway. He doesn't have to ring the bell or even text- Hux comes walking out the door a few moments after he pulls up. 

It's the first time he's seen Hux in his street clothes. He's still wearing a lot of black, but he doesn't have an apron on, and he's got a striped scarf looped around his neck and a dark brown corduroy jacket with a shearling collar. 

Kylo flips the unlock button so he can climb in shotgun. 

"Hey."

"Hey." Hux looks significantly more relaxed than he ever does when he's at work. His hair looks especially orange, and his jacket looks very soft.

"Sorry I can't go out tonight," says Kylo. 

"I don't mind."

Kylo purses his lips in a sort-of smile and puts the truck in reverse.

"So, what have you got?" Hux jokes. "Maybe I can catch it and get some time off work." 

Kylo's heart rate picks up at the thought of sharing germs with him. 

"It's uh...not contagious." 

"Oh," Hux says. He doesn't press the issue. 

It's just starting to get dark, and a light wind makes the trees in their autumn colors sway on either side of the road. 

The silence isn't exactly awkward, but Kylo moves to fill it anyway. 

"So, I live with my mom, but she's at work." 

"Where does she work?"

"A hospital. She isn't a doctor though. She does some kind of administrative thing, I always forget what it's called. But she basically runs her whole department."

Hux makes a small noise of acknowledgement. 

"My dad's like...he's kind of like a trucker, but he goes a lot of different places, not just across America. And they're kind of...they're not like divorced but they aren't really together."

"My parents never got married," says Hux. "I live with my dad, my step-mother, and my step-brother."

"I'm hoping to move out," Hux continues. "My father charges me rent. I'd be paying rent wherever I go, but I'd rather live on my own. Right now I'm just working and getting my associates degree, and then I'm going to either find a better job or try to get a bachelor's."

"What do you study?" asks Kylo. He rolls his eyes at himself internally. Hux probably gets asked that all the time. It's such a boring question, but he really wants to know. 

"English, at the moment. But eventually I'd like to study linguistics."

He can sense that Kylo doesn't exactly know what that means. 

"It's, well it's not just about learning languages, although you end up doing a lot of that along the way. It's grammar structures, sound waves, semantic analysis- it's philosophy and maths at the same time."

"Whoa," says Kylo, impressed but trying to sound casual. 

He sighs and surveys the road. 

"I don't know if I want to go to college." 

"It isn't for everyone," says Hux graciously. 

Kylo kind of does want to go to college. He felt left-behind when his high school friends went away to school, but he can't face it yet. Maybe later. 

"I volunteer at the library sometimes. They've known me since I was a little kid... I put books on shelves and stuff like that. And I'm kind of looking for a job but I still haven't heard back from anyone."

He isn't looking very hard. 

Hux nods. "Well whatever you do, do not work at a Starbucks."

Hux picks a bit of lint off his knee. 

"It's bad?" Kylo asks in a voice that implies he already knows. 

"Foodservice and retail in general are not very good- physically demanding, emotionally draining, financially almost inconsequential..."

Kylo snorts. "Yeah I'll stick to the library. I wish I could get them to pay me, but it's a small town. They have all the staff they need already." 

They keep on driving for a little while, and eventually Kylo pulls into his mother's driveway. 

"Um, I should put the car in the garage, but it's better if you get out first."

"Here?" Hux's hand brushes the door handle. 

"Yeah, it's kind of hard to open the doors once it's inside." 

Hux gets out of the car and waits by the path to the front door. 

Kylo yanks the garage door down, shoves his hands in his pockets, and leads him up the cracked cement front steps to the door. 

"Forgot to leave the lights on," Kylo mutters as he unlocks the door. He lets Hux in and flicks the outdoor and indoor lights on. A warm yellow light fills the entryway and a black cat trots out of view. 

"You have a cat?"

"Yeah, that's Kiki. She's a good cat." Kylo steps out of the room and comes back holding Kiki against his chest. "Sometimes she tries to get inside my big sweatshirt pocket."

"She's beautiful," says Hux. 

"You can pet her a little," says Kylo. 

Hux's pale, slender hand brushes against Kiki's fur as Kylo cradles her. "She's really laid-back," Kylo says. "She doesn't mind getting picked up, and she won't scratch you unless you step on her by accident or something." She's wriggling a little and he lets her leap onto the floor and pad away. He shoves the front door shut and nudges his boots off with his feet. "Do you want a drink or something?" Kylo asks. 

"I'm alright, thanks."

"Ok I'm gonna make hot chocolate."

Hux considers this.

"Actually, do you have any tea?"

*   *   *

Kylo leads him into the small kitchen and pulls open a brown cabinet door to reveal a few shelves of precariously stacked tea boxes. 

Hux extracts a spicy chai tea bag while Kylo grabs two mugs of water from the sink. 

"Not as fancy as your job huh?"

Hux snorts. "You wouldn't believe how gross it can get there."

"Try me." Kylo puts the mugs in the microwave together and presses some buttons. 

Hux sighs. "Just, what ends up getting in the sink drains and the smell of the trash...even the smell of your apron after a shift. Somehow like burnt milk and rotten sugar..." 

"Jeez." Kylo raises his eyebrows. 

"Yeah sometimes I come home just covered in dried milk and syrups and coffee grounds and cleaning fluids...it's actually so depressing, let's not talk about it."

Kylo nods. He likes seeing Hux out of customer service mode. He would listen to Hux complain about his job for hours. He stirs cocoa powder into his mug, and Hux dips his teabag into his own. He wants to suggest that Kylo's family buy a kettle, but that seems rude. 

"Do you wanna...?" Kylo trails off. 

 

"Do I want to what?" Hux grins.

"Watch a movie," Kylo supplies, a little bit defensive. 

"Sure." 

 

*   *   *

Kylo holds Hux's tea so he can hang his jacket up by the front door. Tries not to panic at their proximity. Hux is a bit taller than him, and the light above them throws a red halo around his face. 

Hux puts his coat and scarf on the least-laden hook and slips off his Vans. He's only wearing a band t-shirt under his coat, and his bare arms are gorgeous. Slender and pale, with a dusting of freckles and ginger hair. He's built rather narrowly, and his chest is so flat and skinny. Kylo feels a stab of envy followed by a pang of attraction. He can smell Hux's skin from here. 

"Shall we?" Hux says. 

Kylo nods, or tries to, and opens the door that leads to the basement. 

They pad down dark green carpeted stairs and Kylo pulls a chain to turn on an overhead light bulb. 

"I just need this one for light, so I can find the real lamps." He moves around the room to turn on a floor lamp. "Actually I can do this in the dark, but. That would be weird." 

"Do you usually come down here and walk over there in the dark to turn the lights on?"

"Yeah."

"Do you ever get frightened?"

Kylo shrugs. He flops down on one side of the couch and winces at the ache in his lower back. Hux comes around to sit on the other side. 

"Actually it's probably better with the lights off." 

 

Kylo gets up and turns off the lamp and then the bulb before slowly sitting down again. 

"Do you like horror movies?"

Hux makes a face. "Sort of. I'll watch them sometimes, but I don't really think about them a lot, if that makes sense."

"Do you want to watch one? With me?"

"Sure."

Kylo settles deeper into his seat on the couch and pulls a crocheted quilt over his legs. He flicks on the TV and starts looking through the guide. 

"Are you really into horror then?"

Kylo nods emphatically. "I love it."

"Why?" Hux asks carefully. 

Kylo thinks for a moment. "There's too many reasons. I love blood, and spooky shit in general, and I like the formulaic plots of bad horror movies, and I like the genius of good modern ones- like the predictability is comforting, everything starts out fine, but something is obviously wrong. And eventually, all the characters have to admit that something is wrong. Or they die."

Kylo doesn't speak for a moment. "They may even die anyway. No matter what they do." 

"A controlled environment," says Hux. 

"Yeah."

"Holy shit Hocus Pocus is on TV!" Kylo's whole face lights up. 

He feels weirdly focused, like there's too many things happening and there's too much to react to. Probably he's nervous. Trying to seem cool but not like a poser, trying to seem like he has emotions without being too gushy. He pushes down his nerves and keeps scrolling. 

"Oh shit, do you want to watch this? This is actually kind of scary. Wait, are you scared of old people? Cause this has some scary old people stuff in it."

"Uhh..." 

"Ok we won't watch that one. Do you like zombie movies? Or haunted houses? Or stuff about the past, or about the future?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Oh, I know! Have you seen Shaun of the Dead? It's not really scary but it's sort of about zombies. It's not even gross though."

"Oh, I've been wanting to see that actually."

"Gimme one second!"

Kylo gets up from the couch and runs upstairs. Hux listens to the stomping of his feet fade into silence. 

He considers the basement. It smells like a basement, but the carpet on the floors doesn't look too gross. The couch is pretty nice as well. There's a metal pole from floor to ceiling just to the left of Hux's head, ostensibly supporting the house.

Kylo brings down an actual DVD. 

"Oh shit, do you want popcorn?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks." 

Kylo sits down again for the third time. 

"Have you got another one of those?" Hux asks, pointing to the blanket.

"Uuuuuuh-" Kylo looks around. "I thought I did. We can share, if you like?"

"Sure," says Hux, and scoots a little closer so Kylo can throw one side of the blanket over his legs. 

"We're like old people," says Kylo. 

Hux snorts. 

*   *   *

They've reached a sort of quiet scene in the movie. Kylo actually feels warm enough for once. He's underneath the blanket, and he's still wearing his sweatshirt and green army jacket. He can feel warmth radiating from Hux's body. He doesn't know how Hux isn't cold, seeing as he's only wearing a t-shirt. He looks over at him. 

"Hey, are you cold?"

"Uhh, just a bit."

"Do you want the whole blanket? I'm wearing a jacket."

"Oh, no that's fine."

He sounds a little bit too breezy to be telling the truth. 

"Hux..."

"I'm fine, really!"

"I can go get your coat," Kylo offers. 

"Oh, umm..."

Kylo stands up to go upstairs a split-second before Hux decides he'll go do it himself. They collide, and Kylo braces himself by putting his hand on Hux's arm.

"You know, we could just-" Hux sits down again and tugs on Kylo's jacket. Kylo sits down right next to him. Hux pulls Kylo's arm around his own shoulders and settles back against the couch, pulling the blanket over both of them. 

Kylo's heart jumps in his chest and his mouth opens slightly. Hux is warm and solid under his arm. He can't look away from the cold light of the screen on Hux's face as he tries to process the feeling of Hux's body against his own. 

Hux lets him stare for a good long moment before turning his head and murmuring somewhere near Kylo's mouth. 

"Have you ever kissed a boy before?"

Kylo swallows. His voice comes out hoarse anyway. 

"Yeah. But he thought I was a girl." 

Hux lips brush Kylo's lower cheek. 

Kylo draws his breath in and goes for it, pressing his lips to Hux's mouth. It's soft and warm, and he's dizzy. He's still in pain- sharp cramps floating on top of dull ache, and he feels feverish and flushed. Hux's hands are in his hair, and it's shocking, being touched this way. Kylo's been too long alone, and at such a tumultuous age. The longing, the savage loneliness. Walks in the woods. Cold hands. 

They kiss until the movie runs out, and Kylo puts on another. Something quiet, a ghost story. He's unsure of himself when he finds his way back to the couch, but Hux grabs him and pulls their faces together, and by the time they hear the front door opening and slamming shut, Kylo is in Hux's lap, panting into his mouth and making out with him. Even without the blood he'd be wet, so wet. And it's gross and he hates it, but it's not intolerable at this moment, in this moment it's just one more sensory thing that's happening to him. His lips feel swollen and his face is hot, Hux's hands are on his lower back. The pressure of his fingertips takes away some of the ache. Hux is turned on too, and Kylo wants to claw his hands down that skinny, warm back. He wants to grind his hips down but he doesn't know if he can handle feeling Hux's dick there. He hears footsteps above them, and then he remembers the door. 

Kylo leans back and yells up the stairs. 

"Mom?"

No answer. 

"MOM?"

"I'm right here," comes Leia's weary, businesslike voice from the top of the stairs. 

"Shit," Kylo whispers and climbs off Hux carefully. 

"What's going on, Ky?"

"I'm just hanging out with a friend!"

"Oh!" comes a muffled expression of surprise. "Do they want to come say hi? I've got leftover donuts."

Kylo looks at Hux, who kind of shrugs. 

"I actually do have to be on my way soon," he says. 

Kylo nods and starts up the stairs without another word. 

*   *   *

In the light of the kitchen, Kylo learns that "Hux" is actually his last name. His first name is _Armitage_. Hux and Leia seem to get along fine. She offers him tea, and he explains he's already had some. She invites him to stay for the night because it's so late, and Hux says thank you but he actually does have to go back to his parents' house. Kylo, blushing, says he'll meet him in the garage and lurches off to find his boots. 

*   *   *

The ride back is freezing, and done in almost-silence. The night is clear, and they both look for patterns in the stars when they reach a red light. Kylo remembers the way to Hux's house and he pulls up onto the driveway, puts the car in park. Hux feels for the door handle. 

"Hey-" says Kylo. 

Hux stops moving and looks at him. 

"Can I see you again?" He looks so ready to hear a "no" that Hux instantly regrets spending the ride lost in his own thoughts. 

"Yes," he says, and kisses Kylo hard, biting his lower lip a little. "I'll text you, ok?" 

Kylo nods and smiles a little. 

 

Hux gives Kylo a smile then, a real one, not a customer-service one. It's warmth, and honesty, and flirtatious conspiracy. And then he gets out of the car and starts up the front walk of his father's house. 

Kylo tries to hold on to that look as he starts out into the night alone, hoping his mother will be asleep by the time he gets home. 

 

 


	4. hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> borrowed the theme from day 4 of inktober bc it fits better than the huxloween day 4 prompt
> 
> a big thank you to the anon on my blog who asked if i was still doing this story. it makes me happy to know someone likes it! and to kyloream who is so wonderful, for doing a really cute almond!kylo fanart!!!! i'll figure out how to link it!!! 
> 
> this chapter is kinda sad because life is sad, and im sorry
> 
> 100% kylo stuff, hux will reappear in ch5!

Kylo lies alone in his bed at night, daydreaming. 

He wants.

He grips at his thighs and claws at his belly, fingers running over old self-harm scars without registering them. He feels like an empty pit. Cold fire. Hurting and hollow. He wants the future. He wants it to have already come. 

He's tall enough, too. No one would ever have know.

He'll change his name to Kylo, make up a new last name, and get out of here. No one will know he wasn't born a boy.

But there is  _money_ , there is  _talking_ , there is  _time_.

He wishes he could handle it all himself. That's what a man would do, right? Fix everything. Find a way to  _fix_ everything without anyone's help.

That's what his father would do. His father, who could fix anything from an analog watch to an airplane. His father, who assumed Kylo and Leia would be fine on their own and continued to show up briefly before fucking off to god-knows-where. 

He wonders what Han would do in his situation. He comes up blank. Such a thing could never happen to someone so capable, someone so sure of himself. It was a curse that fell on the fragile.

 _No, that's not right_ , he thinks.  _I'd be just as cocksure if I had a fucking cock._  

Kylo is obsessed with dick, or at least that's how it feels. He thinks about it all the time. He wants one so badly, like nothing he's ever wanted, and he sometimes accidentally reaches for himself as if he'll find one in his pants. He can't stop thinking about touching other people's either. He daydreams about choking on dick, about rubbing his face on it. Once he has a dream that he's trying to finger his asshole open enough to let someone fuck him, but he's still much too tight so he tells the guy to use his other hole instead. In the dream, he lets it happen. He lets himself want it. Awake, he can't handle the way he constantly gets wet and tender there and needs to feel something prodding at him, something hard inside his body. He sticks the handle of a makeup brush inside himself and pushes the knuckle at the base of his thumb against his asshole and breathes heavily into his mattress. When his vision whites out he feels whole for half a second. Eyes stuck at half-mast, he wants to moan out loud in satisfaction but he won't let himself. He uses his underwear to clean himself off and throws them across the room. Gross. Puts his jeans back on, sneakers back on. Curls up under a blanket. He can't see any of himself except his sweatshirt and his shoes, which look perfectly male. In theory, he believes that gender is separate from one's junk, that it doesn't matter what he has. It hurts anyway. He can't do a thing about how he feels. And maybe that's society's fault. But that changes nothing.  

Maybe if he could change the shape of the rest of him, and his face, and his voice, it would take the edge off. In this moment, it consumes him. It feels like the only thing that's wrong. If he could just  _fix it_ , everything would be alright. 

But he's just a fucking kid.

No, not a kid. Twenty now. 

He rolls onto his side and resolves to at least make an appointment to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. His mother had given him a link to a list of local doctors who accepted their insurance, and offered to call someone, but he'd insisted on doing it himself.  _If I ever fucking do it,_  he thinks. 

*   *   *

He doesn't do it the next day, but he does manage to do it the next week, which is something. 

The psychiatrist he goes to see is a middle-aged man with wavy brown-gray hair and glasses. There are teabags and hot water in the waiting room, and Kylo helps himself to something orange-y and spicy, proceeding to chew on the styrofoam cup when it's all gone. 

It goes pretty much the way he thought it would. He tells the doctor his name, he talks about his mother, his father, high school. The psychiatrist asks when he first started questioning his gender. He doesn't rightly know. He didn't know from early childhood the way some people do. Being a child was easy. He ran around outside and did his schoolwork and got shuttled back and forth to the library and soccer and after-school programs. But puberty came, and his hips and his chest. He burned himself with candles and stopped eating. Tried to fit in with the girls at school who wore a lot of black and colorful hair extensions. Made a couple friends. Got depressed, left school. Lost friends. Went back to school. Shaky. Saw someone's transition video on Youtube and cut his hair the same night. Started wearing mens' black skinny jeans instead of womens' black skinny jeans. It was actually a big difference. They didn't fit the way they were supposed to, but he didn't care. They felt good. He graduated and thought about getting a job, but he didn't. Too much to deal with. 

He explains that he'd thought about telling his father, writing him a letter or a really long text or something, but he hasn't done it. His mother though- he eventually told her while she was standing in the kitchen, cleaning up a little with the news on in the background. 

She was familiar with the concept, and although she didn't completely understand, she said she would always love him. He was glad to have a word for what was going on with him, and he was relieved his mother wasn't angry, but it still didn't feel great. He felt vulnerable that anyone knew, anyone at all. He's still scared to say it out loud. But he tries, because this is what he has to do.

Leia was adamant that he should either work or go to school. She didn't understand that he couldn't handle doing anything right now. He can't handle being here, but he can't handle the idea of going to college looking the way he does either. So he hides in his room and rots. He tries to explain as much, without sounding like a loser. 

And that was Kylo's first appointment. 

*   *   *

A few months later, Leia comes into his room while he's sorting through a box of his old stuff. Hands him a letter. He half-recognizes the handwriting. 

 _What?_  Kylo's mouth falls open. 

"I got this yesterday, and I called him to make sure it was ok to share the news with you." Leia smiles. "Everyone's turning into men! Next think you know I'll be wearing a suit and smoking a pipe!" Kylo rolls his eyes. She doesn't mean anything by it, but it prickles at him anyway. 

Rey is excited and wants to call Kylo on the phone. She texts him brightly-colored emojis until he surrenders. 

"It's so strange to call him my  _father!_ " she cries cheerfully. "You know, cause I've never  _had_  one before!" 

"I know," Kylo murmurs. 

"And I really like his name!" says Rey. "Luke! It's a saint's name, but it's not too common, I only know one other Luke! And I think that one's a Lucas!" 

"Yeah," said Kylo. 

"Do you want to talk to him?" she asks excitedly. 

"Um-" Kylo freezes. He really, really does, but it's too sudden. He can't. 

"I'm going to give you his mobile number, is that alright? Do you have a pen?"

"Um, yeah."

He writes down the number and fields more questions and statements from his cousin before she lets him go. 

Kylo doesn't call his mother's twin yet, but he sticks the letter under his pillow and sleeps with it against his hand. Hope burns in him like a tiny flame. Not a bonfire, not a house fire, but a taper candle. Soft and smooth and pale. 


	5. halloween party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These assholes go to a party and have a bad time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the YEAR LONG gap between updates. 
> 
> Life is very long, and there's a couple of you that have kept encouraging me in this writing thing over and over again when I lose heart, and I'm really grateful for that <3

“Are you sure you want to go?” asks Hux. He's fiddling with the cute ginger fox ears he's decided to wear in lieu of a proper costume. “You really don't have to.”

“I want to,” Kylo stubbornly insists. He doesn't know why Hux isn't more excited about this party (and Halloween in general), so he's trying to make up for it with his own energy. He's supposed to like Halloween, but he just feels like sitting around at home. 

One of Hux's friends had invited them to a Halloween party. Kylo's never been to a real Halloween party, so he's determined to go even though he doesn't have a costume. He'd thought about digging one of his childhood costumes out of the basement, or doing a closet cosplay type thing, but in the end he'd just decided to wear his regular clothes- faded black jeans and a gray sweatshirt under battered second-hand leather jacket. 

“I'm just going to say hi and then fuck off, I did say that, right?”

“Yesssss Huxxxxx.” Kylo's bouncing on the balls of his feet, very ready to leave the house. He wants to see real people in their natural habitat, and maybe get trashed. He feels f _estive_. Or maybe just manic. He isn't excited about the event, but for some reason he really wants to get there. 

He still calls Hux by his last name, simply because Hux prefers it. Kylo privately finds “Armitage” rather dashing but he's learned to not voice that opinion out loud. And Hux's step-brother is the only one who can get away with calling him “Armie.”

Kylo corners him by the door before they go, nonverbally demanding a kiss. Hux gives it to him happily. He's learning Kylo's ways too. Kylo can be very chatty, but he's also basically incapable of speaking about affection. He's constantly threatening to set people on fire, but Hux doesn't know if he's ever even been in a fistfight. He's always tense or tired or intoxicated or a combination thereof. But he's not like anyone Hux has ever known. Maybe that's not true, but that's how it feels. That's how Hux describes it to himself. There's a dimension to the way Kylo experiences the world, that comes out when he talks, that's inescapable when he talks, and Hux doesn't want to stop drawing it out. He doesn't know if he's looking for some kind of answer to Kylo's life, or why he wants to pay him the most profound attention. But it hasn't stopped, so he's riding the wave. 

It's been a nice few weeks of stolen dates- sitting in the Starbucks parking lot in Kylo's dad's car drinking mess-up lattes, watching TV in Kylo's basement until Hux has to sleep, even Kylo sneaking into one of Hux's college classes a few times. 

One night, Hux slept over on the basement couch and left his striped scarf, pushed between the cushions. Kylo hasn't been able to bring himself to mention it, and Hux hasn't asked for it back. Kylo currently has it semi-hidden in his bed. 

They have yet to see each other undressed. They've kissed, and gotten very tangled up on the couch, and held hands. They've done a lot of texting. And Kylo has stopped being quite so jumpy around Hux. He'll sling his arm around Hux now, or walk into his space because he knows Hux wants him there. And Hux will stick his face in Kylo's hair and call him a Pantene commercial. Hux pets him idly sometimes, and Kylo loves that. Hux privately thinks of him as something like a giant cat (although he hasn't mentioned it, aside from jokingly referring to Kylo as Kiki's dad). 

*     *     *

In the doorway before they leave, Hux lets Kylo nuzzle his face and press him into the wall a little. He likes to let Kylo do whatever he wants. He tries to pull Kylo into being rougher with him without actually saying it. He doesn't want to need too much from Kylo and scare him off, make him think he isn't enough.

For the most part, he is. 

Sometimes Hux wishes he was with someone older. Or maybe just someone more steady? But also someone who would throw him down and hold him by his hair while they fucked him without asking. 

He knows he could easily find someone to do that for him, but it isn't worth risking what he has with Kylo. No one has said the word “boyfriend,” but they spend all their free time together, often connected at the mouth, and neither of them are seeing anyone else. 

Hux lolls his head against the wall and gazes down at his maybe-boyfriend. _My knight in ratty black armor._ Yes, this was where he wanted to be. 

Kylo smooths both of their hair down and tugs at his sweatshirt to set it flat over his chest before flinging the door open and hopping down the front steps ahead of him. 

*     *     *

The house is a few towns over, not too far. Kylo thinks he can smell weed and the plastic of Halloween decorations from the cold street.

Hux happily greets his friend- Fasima? Fazma? She is statuesque in a sort of draped-fabric ensemble, with her short golden hair spiked up gently and a flashlight in one hand. Kylo hears that she is supposed to be Lady Liberty, and that she has a girlfriend in the other room who's dressed as Justice. Apparently this girl had incorporated two working food scales into her outfit, and the people in the kitchen were having a field-day weighing random shit. 

It's clearly a student house- not a lot of furniture, weathered and repainted molding. Warm lights that have been turned off in the living room to let the jack-o-lantern Christmas lights shine. 

Kylo grabs a couple Jell-O shots from a tarnished silver platter. The flavor is pretty terrible, which explains why they were just sitting there. He takes a bunch of assorted mini chocolate bars from a near-by bowl to compensate. 

Hux has gone off with his friend and doesn't introduce him to anyone else, but the questions from strangers start arriving- 

"What are you supposed to be?"

And he answers them differently every time: 

                             "Sirius Black." 

                             "The concept of ennui."

                             "An improperly stretched jpeg of a man."

                             "A quiet loner, getting ready to snap." 

Eventually someone says he shouldn't be here if he isn't wearing a costume, but he can tell they're just being a dick for the sake of it. It's a guy in a big fluffy teddy-bear onesie that has something from the movie Ted embroidered on it. Ridiculous. 

"That's not a real costume either," Kylo says, and the guy doesn't react except to shoulder-check him on his way past. 

Kylo turns around. "What the fuck?"

The guy tries to keep on walking, but Kylo gets him by the hood of his costume.  

The guy smirks and spreads his arms a bit, mockingly. 

"What's up?"

"What's your problem?"

"Nothing," the guy says easily, smiling. 

Kylo stares him in the face, unwilling to let it go. 

The guy tries to walk away again, and Kylo's frozen for a second and then he's reaching out his leg to trip him. 

The guy stumbles into the arm of a couch full of party-goers and spills half his Solo cup on the floor. He's too drunk to tell if Kylo actually tripped him or if he just tripped. But he doesn't want to fight. He's already forgetting this ever happened. He looks down at the beer staining his pants and the floor. He stands up straight and focuses in on Kylo. 

"Hey buddy, this is my house. And I don't know you, I don't know who invited you. I'm guessing it's no one, so maybe you better fuck off before we have a problem."

As the guy ambles away into the crowd, a course of action coalesces. 

Kylo walks back into the kitchen and uses his arm to nudge the heavy punchbowl off the table.  

The impact is more violent than he was expecting. Most people stop talking, and the music is suddenly much clearer. Everyone is looking at Kylo, who is looking down at the bowl like it was the one to throw itself on the floor. 

A moment passes. Kylo glances around, makes for the front door, and grabs the platter of shots on his way out. 

*     *     *

Kylo has walked down the street, turned into some woods, and then looped back around. The music has stopped, and from the backyard he can hear voices in the kitchen. "Hux, did you bring that guy?" - "Here's some paper towels" - "What the fuck?" - "You guys, I was BORROWING THAT from the DEPARTMENT!" 

Kylo sits down on a pile of brush and consumes a few horrible sticky shots in quick succession. 

In the cold night air, the scene of chaos he has made seems far away. Unreal. But still it shines warmly out towards him. He picks up a rock. The arc it makes through the air is the best thing he's seen in a long time. 

*     *     *

Hux finds him in the yard after the third rock. It's only now that he consciously realizes it's raining. 

He's the perfect level of drunk. Seeing Hux makes a glow of happiness rise in his chest. 

"Hey," he says. 

"Kylo..."

"Hey do you want to go? I want to go home now."

Hux swallows. 

"Kylo did you break that bowl? In the house?" 

"Yeah."

" _Why?_ " 

Kylo shrugs. 

"Kylo-" Hux pauses to rub the bridge of his nose like some kind of frustrated detective. "Do you know how much apologizing I just had to do for you?"

"Didn't ask you to."

"Yes but what else could I do? Some of those people are my friends, Kylo."

Kylo says nothing. 

"You broke their fucking window as well, did you know that?"

He knows. 

"I'm going back to help clean up."

Hux turns around and starts walking. Halfway back to the house, he turns around like he's going to say something, but he changes his mind and keeps going. 

Alone among the trees now, Kylo shakes a little bit. He's probably cold, but he can't feel anything. He feels like he needs to cry but his body won't let him. 

He feels justified, although he suspects he won't feel that way tomorrow morning. Doesn't matter. This is who he is today. He's finally destroyed something, in the real world. He surveys the continuing trouble with a grandiose impression of the inevitable. He doesn't know if it's the alcohol or the destruction or the sort-of fight with Hux, but he feels right in himself, in a way. Maybe he's just a bad guy. Doesn't matter. He feels something broken in himself, in his heart, just as surely as he knows he's a man. But it doesn't feel bad. He can't feel a thing. 

He gets in his truck and drives home drunk. 

*     *     *

Cold house. Familiar piles of junk lying around. Coats and boots and paperwork. 

He stumbles into bed. Can't get his shoes off. 

Pushes Hux's scarf between the bed and the wall. 

Sleeps.

 

He doesn't hear from Hux for the next few days. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, Kylo is going to talk to his uncle.
> 
> PS I know this is stupid to mention but please never drive drunk, it's really dangerous, even if you're angry and have to leave a situation, it's always a bad idea.


End file.
